Wednesday, December 29, 2010


This infection was really taking a toll on Mason. They still didn’t know what type of infection it was but his urine culture did come back positive so we knew where the infection was taking place. The nurse told me that because of his mucous fistula (an opening) he would more than likely constantly get UTI’s and that she would talk to the doctor about having him on an ongoing antibiotic for that. Mason was requiring more help, his blood gases weren’t so good so they had to go up on a setting on his ventilator. He was beginning to become jaundice to the point where he might need to go under the Billi lights. They gave him some medication to try and avoid that. He was now back up o 13 mcg of Dopamine. When we had already gone down to 8, he was also started on a low dose of Epinephrine again as well. These last 2 days Mason has been back and forth and he was making some progress until this damn infection came along.  They also started Mason on a solid dose of Lasix to help with the excess fluid. It was 3 days after Christmas and they had just taken Mason’s little Santa hat off. I helped the nurse change him to a regular hat. We also noticed his head had grown a bit and I realize in the pictures he is changing everyday he’s not only gaining weight but he is changing. Hair is falling off and he is starting to look a little different. He is 3 weeks old tomorrow and I can’t believe it, I still remember the first 24 hours and now we were going on 3 weeks. I had this big illusion that he would make the weight by the end of January and recover February to be home just in time for his due date. He was only about to be 31 weeks gestation so he still had 9 whole weeks till his due date. Although realistically I knew Mason could stay longer than March I got tired of people asking when he would be home so I just always answered “By his due date”. I never realized how bad of a setback an infection could be, Mason could survive all these surgeries and make it through all these days but a fucken infection could come and kill him at any time. From that point on I made sure Mason was protected I personally made sure to tell the nurses to use more precaution and I used much precaution myself. That’s when my addiction to hand sanitizer began, I haven’t been able to put down that bottle since. This would only be one of MANY of Mason’s infection episodes, Regardless of what we did we were in a hospital that was full of these bugs, and any of them could come attack my baby at any given time. I think that was my biggest fear, I needed Mason to start feeds so he could gain some immunity. I was still pumping in hopes that he would start feeding soon, it didn’t seem as it would happen but I had hope. Despite him fighting off an infection and being sedated he managed to wake up. Louis came along so we talked to him; we told him we needed him to be strong and keep fighting and that we would keep doing everything we could to help. We also told him how much he was loved and I held his precious hand as he started into my eyes. This was Dec 28 & 29 and Mason developed a life threatening infection. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Mason was now 18 days old, because he wasn't eating he had only gained 7 ounces. And that itself could be excess fluid retained by his little heart. Mason was still on the jet ventilator but although he was hanging in there he was still sick, and today we got the news that he had gotten an infection. An infection doesn't seem like a big deal until you have a preemie fighting for his life with a suppressed immune system. My baby’s body was fighting staying alive and now it had to also fight off a bug that was taking advantage of this susceptible host. I never before realized how many infections and germs run around hospitals, I didn't realize that some babies there already had infections and that nurses could pass them along so easily. Although nurses took precautions nothing was ever positive. The reason why they decided to run a CBC on Mason was because he was requiring more medication. We had already gone down on the Dopamine to 8 and now we were up to 12 again. They did an Echo early morning to see if his PDA was still a moderate size. As you may know by now a PDA is hole in your heart that doesn't close after birth, in Mason's case his PDA needed to be kept open to allow perfusion through where his Coarctation wasn't. The narrowing in his Aorta is so small that the PDA is what’s allowing better blood flow. He was started on 2 antibiotics while they did some gram stains to check what antibiotic would work better on the certain bacteria he was being invaded by. I won’t lie, today was a scary day. But due to him being on antibiotics they took him off 1 sedative while they infused the antibiotic and he woke up while I was there, it was the greatest thing ever. He didn't only wake up but he looked around and he even smiled as I whispered "Baby Masssooooon! Momma is here to see you!!" I whispered that into his Isollette everyday for as long as he lived. This was my first time seeing him smile so much, it melted my heart. I have all this on video and will try to upload it tonight. He was still NPO and his CO2 levels went up due to his infection so they gave him a little more help today so he wouldn't struggle. I couldn't wait until he wasn't NPO anymore..That would be a big milestone. My baby was 18 days old and had not had one drop of milk, He was 18 days old and I had not held my baby not once, My baby was 18 days old and I had not heard a single cry from him...My baby was 18 days old and he was fighting for his life, He wasn't home and wasn't expected to be home for months...He still needed a heart surgery, to learn to breathe on his own and to start being fed but yet I still felt like the luckiest mother alive. He was mine, I was the lucky chosen to be this special boys momma, why me? Because I was capable of looking beyond all the wires and all this medical information thrown at me, I was able to understand it all yet not give a damn about it because all that mattered was my precious son. I told myself I wasn't going to be afraid, He was preparing me for what was ahead, and it would be him who would guide me.

Monday, December 27, 2010

First Christmas without Mason

Christmas was nothing but an ordinary day with lots of shopping. I worked up until the 23rd and also had school so I didn't have time to do much shopping. I had told everyone I wasn't getting big gifts as I was donating money to a charity that since Mason was born has meant a lot to me because of all there help, The March Of Dimes. Of course my mother doesn't really get it, she thinks the rich people that have money should be the ones donating. Anyways Christmas Eve was pretty hectic although I did manage to finish everything by 2 and spend the whole rest of the day with my son. My little sisters kept me company because like a lot of other special occasions for me Louis had to work and I did not want to go alone. When I arrived at Mason's a lot of things were messed up. It had been raining to bad we put a little tarp on top of his things to avoid getting them ruined but that only helped so much. Since it was a sunny day I went ahead and took it off. We sat with Mason and organized his flowers, He had not had flowers for about a week so I decided to take him some for Christmas.I kept my cool while I was their, I had my glasses on so my little sisters didn't notice the tears. We read him some Christmas stories and played him some Christmas songs and we gave him his little gifts. we got him a little baseball because his daddy loves baseball, we got him a soccer ball because his grandpa loves soccer. I got him a little truck since me and my dad work at a trucking company, I got him a plane because his dads dream is to be a pilot and a little duck because his momma loves ducks! and a little dog=) they were all miniature little toys I got at party city for a quarter each. This is not how I wanted to be giving my baby his gifts but it would have to do. Everything was decorated so nice all the parents had come out to decorate there babies place and I loved it. It was the only time of yr we can do this and I was frankly getting use to it. I liked seeing Mason with a little fence decorated, I have always been jealous of the people that can do that all year!. I tried to make the best of all I had left of my son.

I felt horrible because the rain had been so bad that some of the markers to the right of Mason started sinking in. I couldn't imagine coming to visit my baby and his marker being fucked up like that, I think i might drop dead of a heart attack of the anger. Not only do we pay a lot of money for our plots and markers but we pay people to maintain them and the cementary isn't going to fix it??? I heard the parents made a complain but that they had not done much about it. I dont know I think I would of freaked. Me and my sisters walked around and finished soending time with Mason.

 My little sisters insisted on making me laugh

Playing Christmas Carols for Mason

When all the kids started opening the gifts that night I couldn't bare it, It just hurt so much that I took off  and cried in a lonely street alone in my car but my dad convinced me to come back. I tried enjoying it but it just wasnt the same. I lost all my Christmas spirit. The next morning on Christmas I spent some time with Louis and then took off, I just wanted to spend Christmas with my boy. There was lots of people when I got there, They gave me some hot choco and cookies I thought that was so generous. I laid my blanket and pillow and just laid down. I probably took a 30 min nap I got there around 2 and didn't leave till 6 so I spent quite some time reading to Mason and conversating with Masons neighbors and hearing there stories. Louis met up with me later that evening. and we spent the rest of our Christmas with our baby boy