Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Something doesn't feel right

I have been meaning to write about this for a while now, It's something I have been feeling ever since I found the baby loss community a few months after Mason passed.I have met so many wonderful people from it and I have grown to love each and one of them for there story's. Yesterday when I went to the group at Millers in Long Beach we all shared our story's and some people mentioned how they felt bad because some have living twins and other's living children and then there's the rest of us who have no living children. Well I was too scared to mention it there because there was a new couple who's grief was so fresh it had us all bawling. Everytime I share my story of share about Mason I can't feel but feel left out. There is ties with most of the other mommies and there losses, some died in vitro others were still born but then theres that few small who had precious time before there baby passed minutes later. And here is ME someone who was "blessed" with her baby living 169 days. But I still feel like I am in my own category because I know some people who had there babies but that died because of SIDS. But I have yet to meet and really interact and get close to someone who has had a NICU expirience aslong as mine. I wasn't just blessed with 169 days. Every day he was alive was a struggle, every day that passed was just more motivation that he was going to live. I don't feel like I belong sometimes because I am scared to talk about all my expiriences with him. I feel like some people look at me like "why are u suffering, atleast you had time with your child". But the fact of the matter is no matter how long I had with him HE DID DIE. So I am also suffering, it may be a different suffering other parents who had stillborns have but it's still painful. I have never made it seem like my expirience was harder than any others. And I have yet to hear anyone tell me I dont belong either. I have these feelings on my own and I have had them ever since. I dont belong in any group, I know people who have had NICU babies, but I just wish there was more people I knew who had a story a little more similar to mine, someone who had there baby, someone who spent months in the NICU back and fort with there baby someone who never brought there baby home. Someone who never fed a bottle or nursed there baby. Someone who never gave there baby a real bath other than a sponge bath the whole 6 months he was alive. Yes my baby was born, yes he did survive for nearly 6 months but I can't seem to relate much because most of my close BML's never had time with there babies. In a way I feel bad, almost like if my child was actually living.

4 comments:

angelseashore said...

Karen-
You belong. You belong to a community of babylost moms and dads. No matter HOW you lost, you LOST. We understand. Don't be afraid to tell your story. The more you tell it, the more you heal. Please email me if you ever need to talk things through. Supporting moms and dads without their precious babies is how I honor my daughter Riley. The healing will come - I promise. Hang in there.

bluee19 said...

Hi Karen,
I read your post for 01/01/11 and I totally understand what you mean about you don't belong. You are looking for someone that has the same situation as you so you can connect with. When Samantha was born @ 28 weeks and was in the NICU. No no one understood the pain I was going through. I wanted someone to understand besides my husband about the who NICU experience. Its not a happy journey seeing your child in an incubator with tubes coming out. This is not what a child born is suppose to look like. My daughter stayed in the NICU for 40 days but although she is alive. She is a special needs child. She has cerebral palsy which means she can't sit, stand, or walk. Her needs are dependent on me/husband/caregiver for everything. Its like a newborn but she is three years old. I have been looking for mom(s) with the exact same thing to connect with, to have some understanding, some compassion, and someone to understand the guilt I feel every day. The rest of the people, just don't understand. You have ever right to feel what you feel. I know my situation is not the same as yours but I grieve all that I am missing from my daughter who I thought was suppose to be normal. You are grieving your son for all that you are missing with him. Its so tough living each day, isn't it. Its like life must continue on but our emotions are so strong. Its like our happiness has been stripped away. Thank you for you sharing your feelings/emotions. I wish I had the words to comfort you but I just don't. I can only listen to what you have to say. I can't give you any advice because there's no advice out there that can healed the pain you are experiencing. I know from experience how many people try to tell me it only takes time or give me some christian perspective but they are not in my shoes everyday. I don't know if you ever listened to Dr. Laura on the radio but she said, there's no words to help someone, just bring them food. Sometimes, its food or some kind gesture that someone can do instead of saying anything.

I only hope for better tomorrows for you!!!

Nicole from Rosemead, CA

Bobbie said...

I understand. My experience was similar to yours. You commented on my story on the I am the face board. I understand completely what you are saying. It's amazing how similar our stories are. Also know that you are a mother who has lost a baby. No matter how long you held that baby in your heart or your arms and you always belong. It took me a long time to feel like I actually belonged, but, there are some amazing ladies who have lost babies all different experiences and situations that will accept you hold you up and listen to you. If you go to my blog, you will find them. And I am here also. (((HUGS)))

Meg said...

Karen...first of all thank you for sharing your story.. Masons's story. What a precious boy he is... My daughter, Nevaeh Simone, died one day shy of her 5 month birthday. Just like Mason she came into this world far to early due to HELLP and lived her entire life inside the NICU. If there is anything I can do for you please please please let me know. You can find my blog at www.pinkskysanddragonflys.com

warmly,
Meg

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