I have been meaning to write about this for a while now, It's something I have been feeling ever since I found the baby loss community a few months after Mason passed.I have met so many wonderful people from it and I have grown to love each and one of them for there story's. Yesterday when I went to the group at Millers in Long Beach we all shared our story's and some people mentioned how they felt bad because some have living twins and other's living children and then there's the rest of us who have no living children. Well I was too scared to mention it there because there was a new couple who's grief was so fresh it had us all bawling. Everytime I share my story of share about Mason I can't feel but feel left out. There is ties with most of the other mommies and there losses, some died in vitro others were still born but then theres that few small who had precious time before there baby passed minutes later. And here is ME someone who was "blessed" with her baby living 169 days. But I still feel like I am in my own category because I know some people who had there babies but that died because of SIDS. But I have yet to meet and really interact and get close to someone who has had a NICU expirience aslong as mine. I wasn't just blessed with 169 days. Every day he was alive was a struggle, every day that passed was just more motivation that he was going to live. I don't feel like I belong sometimes because I am scared to talk about all my expiriences with him. I feel like some people look at me like "why are u suffering, atleast you had time with your child". But the fact of the matter is no matter how long I had with him HE DID DIE. So I am also suffering, it may be a different suffering other parents who had stillborns have but it's still painful. I have never made it seem like my expirience was harder than any others. And I have yet to hear anyone tell me I dont belong either. I have these feelings on my own and I have had them ever since. I dont belong in any group, I know people who have had NICU babies, but I just wish there was more people I knew who had a story a little more similar to mine, someone who had there baby, someone who spent months in the NICU back and fort with there baby someone who never brought there baby home. Someone who never fed a bottle or nursed there baby. Someone who never gave there baby a real bath other than a sponge bath the whole 6 months he was alive. Yes my baby was born, yes he did survive for nearly 6 months but I can't seem to relate much because most of my close BML's never had time with there babies. In a way I feel bad, almost like if my child was actually living.