Sunday, January 9, 2011


So my dad had been attacking me with the question, that awful question I hated answering but as a parent and a responsible one I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. He had been asking me for the past week if I thought going back to work now and taking my leave once Mason came home seemed like something I would want to do. I gave it a lot of thought; this meant I would work from 8 to 6 and then go see my baby after shift change which was from 6:30 to 7:30. I would then stay with my baby till around 12 and then go home to do it all over again. It seemed like a lot to handle especially because I had, had major surgery just a couple of weeks before. I was still recovering even though I would be up and down all day. I was beginning to notice that since I didn't get the adequate rest I should have I was beginning to get sharp pains up and down my back. My mom told me it was because I was out in the cold so much while recovering...That I will never know but I still get those pains right where the spinal went in sometimes, its sorta weird. Well despite all of this my motherly instincts of wanting to provide everything for my son also came in. I was making around 2500 a month and if Mason was going to be in the NICU till March maybe April I could save another 5 grand before he came home. Of course I felt invincible and like I could do anything. Little did I know I would be putting myself through HELL. This meant work and hospital, EVERYDAY and of course the weekends were my time to really be with him. Anyone who knew me while Mason was in the NICU knew that every waking spare minute I had would be spent with Mason and I will NEVER regret that. I know it's something Louis regrets, he was always under the mentality that "I will see him everyday once he comes home" of course that pissed the fuck out of me but I didn't let that bother me at all...throughout Masons stay. People had different mentalities about it, like why don’t you take today to go do something for yourself? Well how can I even enjoy myself when my baby is in life threatening conditions? I built a world around me and Mason. A world only me and him knew about. And it would only get better and better for us. It was me and him against the world, me and him. At this time Louis was a lead at his store, He had already told his job he wouldn't take his leave until Mason went home and they agreed. Well, I told my dad ok, I will go back to work not only because I need the money for when Mason came home(I knew we would have to hire a nurse sitter since more than likely he would come home on oxygen) but because I knew he needed me too. It was Sunday so he decided to come with me in the mornings, my dad had fallen in love with this little guy more than I could ever imagine. We took him 2 little stamps my dad had had in his wallet for years. He took him a St Jude and a Virgin Mary stamp because he said the Virgin Mary takes care of all the children as well as St Jude. We pasted them right on his Isolette, They would protect and guide Mason. This was my dad’s first grandchild, my brothers are his stepsons so as much as he considered them his grandchildren none were his grandchild like he was, I was his first living daughter and this was his first BLOOD grandchild. It didn't help that the whole world told him Mason looked a lot like him. My dad had ALWAYS wanted a boy, but he got stuck with 5 girls a heavenly one, my heavenly sister me my sister Katherine My sister Kathia and My little sister Kate. He had always dreamed of a boy and what he would look like, and this was it just that he was his daughters. I can see the love in my dad’s eyes, he admired him, he admired his strength he knew how courageous Mason was and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. "He wants to live" he would tell me that on a daily basis. Mason was doing good they had lowered his solu cortef from every 8 hours to every 12 hours which meant he was requiring less and less blood pressure support. This was the least he was requiring since he was born. I was comfortable going back to work with Mason's progress, this would hopefully make time go by faster and not have me thinking the whole time. Going back to work was the same; nothing had changed other than a stack maybe a foot high of papers waiting for me. This meant I would be busy all day and my day would go by quicker. I was wrong, fist of all I hated being up at 7am again as soon as I stepped in to work I called to see how my little man was doing. He had had an ok night I told the nurse I would call back on my lunch and that I would be there after shift change. I managed to make it through my first day of work and as soon as 6 o'clock hit I was out the door and headed to Millers. When I arrived they informed me they had done an echo that found a small PDA. This was not good news as we wanted to keep his PDA large until surgery; Doctor came in and told me he was going to double his PGE which was the medication to keep it open. I felt confident but I was not ready to take another 3 steps back when we had just taken 1 step forward. I hated that this was a roller coaster ride and that at any point we could go straight down. I sat with him and prayed, and told him to only fight as much as he could. He was off one of his sedations so he would smile at me constantly and it melted my heart. This was Jan 3 & 4 and although I still had not heard my baby cry or held him I was still the luckiest mother on earth.


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